musings

• Elodie
• Dec. 31, 2024

Blimey, a year has passed since I published my last blog post. During appearing absence, I always had this voice in the back of my head, “I should really write a new blog post” ... I take it many of you forgot of the blog’s existence or didn’t know about it in the first place (or don’t care and/or will never know about it). But what happened, or what didn’t happen?

In short, 2024 has been the year where everything happened all at once. If you want to skip my personal ponderings and experiences of the year, and want to fast-forward to the life lessons learnt, you may proceed to the two last paragraphs (I don’t blame you).

2024 - It is the year I became a Swiftie (again), according to Spotify Wrapped. It is the year I moved countries (again). It is the year where retrieved my spark, aka drive. It is the year I followed my inner Scandinavian soul. It is the year I am finally a runner again. It is the year I took up writing again. It is the year I started to knit. It is the year, I (finally) checked off some checkboxes on my inexistent bucket list. Why am I telling you this? The intention of these lines is primarily selfish, aiming to revise for myself and digest all that has happened this year, and maybe to give some insight and inspiration on life lessons learnt. Also, to give a glimpse into the realistic behind-the-scenes of the otherwise seemingly adventurous and smooth life led on Instagram. It is a story of how I learnt (and still learn) to live in the present.

My year 2024 started in a place of uncertainty, worry and overthinking. The end of 2023 was characterised by many long and serious hospital stays of a loved one, due to some chronic disease that tends to act up and make itself heard at random moments. The worry of his health condition, and his future thereof, was ubiquitous. Simultaneously, I was offered my ever-yearned-for job position at Karolinska Institutet in Stockholm. Given the circumstances, I couldn’t really enjoy and celebrate this achievement. The thought of moving to Sweden, after so many years of living there already mentally, suddenly felt so real but also oh so scary (“Should I really do this?”, “Maybe I should stay”, “Maybe I should move back to my home country instead, as everyone expects me to”). I realise how comfortable (maybe too comfortable) I felt in my life in Munich. Hence, last year around this time, I felt overwhelmed and run over by my monkey mind*.

The new year then started with the recovery of the loved one, besides one or two little relapses, and me impatiently waiting for the finalisation of my PhD. That was the little detail left unmentioned and that contributed primarily to the monkey mind. My new employer needed a PhD diploma in order to provide me with a binding job contract. I handed in my thesis in October 2023, but I was still waiting for the feedback of one last grader, in order to register for the defence, that would eventually lead to the diploma. After many restless months, in March, the grader eventually graced me with her feedback, and I could arrange my defence. One may mention that the new position was to be filled asap and I had to keep consoling Karolinska Institutet with a postponed start date, all by having the inner fear of them becoming impatient and moving along with another candidate. March 21st 2024 was eventually the day, where I defended my thesis and could provide Karolinska Institutet with a certificate a few weeks later, and my start date for the new position was confirmed at the middle of May. Also, I realise now, that given the circumstances, the graduation of the PhD felt to me more like overcoming an obstacle and proceeding than a celebration of a major milestone, as it should have been. I rushed from one to the other without resting in the sweet space of accomplishment.

It may seem still quite smooth writing/reading this, but these 3-4 months of uncertainty, of not knowing and the fear of losing one’s dream job (for literally no good reason), definitely took a toll on me. All of that combined with the administrative and logistic challenge of (maybe) having to move across Europe, which required months of preparation, but I couldn’t get started as it was still not sure I really had to move. Also, since I was not planning on moving by myself and leaving my partner behind, we had to see and organise how we could move together. Deciding how to do it with his job; if he quits, finds a new job or joins in Sweden later (or otherwise – as it turned out). Luckily, he was enthusiastic of moving to Sweden in general, which was a great support in the decision taking processes.

After the new job was confirmed, the move arranged and at least some uncertainties gone, the last weeks in Munich were still characterised by doubts; acknowledging how much I had learnt to love Munich and the community I had there. I loved teaching yoga at Hairu, meeting and chatting with regulars, and also going myself to classes of my favourite teachers, in my favourite studios – keeping bumping into people I knew and cherished. Also, leaving my research group, after 4 years of working there and with them, felt wrong and hard. My PhD journey was far from smooth and certainly not fulfilling at times, but I loved my team and the people I worked with. They were the reason that made me stay and start the PhD in the first place. Many of them felt like a family to me, family members that were there to support me in my early days in Munich when I was also still living alone. There were times, where there were not many boundaries between work and private life (as good or bad this may seem). Also, leaving my two best friends, which accompanied me from the first day in Munich in 2019, and whom I met in my first job there, felt oh so wrong and heartbreaking. They were the people that made me feel me again, after many years of hardships – that made me laugh to tears and stomach pain. We shared traumas and digestive problems, which glued us together. However, I left in the comfort of knowing, that true friendships remain, no matter the geographical distance – having the experience with some of my best friends from school and university living in different places but feeling no less important and close to me.

Hence, the first half of 2024 was challenging, but ended in a really good way. After weeks of excelling in logistics; we quit our apartment, sold our furniture, distributed some of our stuff to our respective childhood homes and eventually packed the rest in the Mini and drove up the > 1550 km from Munich to Stockholm in May 2024. The drive up north felt like some kind of catharsis – me sitting the first half hour in the car crying for my Munichan life but then slowly being filled by excitement for the New. Once we arrived, it felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, all these preparations for the move finally having come to an end.

Once we had overcome the Swedish administrative struggles ("Personnummer" is everything - iykyk); Swedish spring and summer then treated us well. We spent most of our free time outside, biking, hiking, swimming – discovering our surroundings and living the Swedish “friluftsliv” in the never-ending daylight. I had a soft start into my new position as a postdoc; things were slowing down at the office before summer, since soon everyone left for their 4 weeks to 2 months long Swedish summer vacation. I kept working during the summer but the pace was gentle. We took some small well deserved vacation breaks in Gotland and the Provence, before embarking on another adventure – the decision to get a dog. The decision to get a dog was already taken many years ago (for me), but finally, circumstances allowed this dream to come true. My partner working full time from home, and an apartment that permitted pets, eventually led us to say yes – to a dog. We found Colin, or he found us, or we three found each other. Mid-August we went to get Colin and weeks of joy and challenges (again) began. We were prepared and knew it wouldn’t be easy to raise a puppy, but still it seemed harder than we imagined. It felt like raising a baby (still does). Some freedoms were gone and quiet “me time” felt/feels inexistent. However, of course, we love every minute spent with him (okay maybe not every minute but most minutes). Fall had been great with beautifully coloured nature, sun and walks in the fresh air. I started going regularly to a local yoga studio and picked up running again. Winter and darkness then suddenly creeped upon us fast, characterized by mostly work and time spent at home. The pace at work had picked up and was busy with meetings and events, which I really enjoyed. I finally feel now like my drive is back – working on a topic that feels relevant and interesting to me, in a new team that slowly starts to feel more familiar and undoubtedly inspiring. I enjoy working and going to work, and have many ideas in my head (and spark in my eyes, as one Professor used to tell me) – which eventually feels like me again. The me with sparkling eyes when thinking of projects and future work opportunities. In the next months I will also be involved in academic teaching, which feels super exciting and like something I will love doing.

Looking back at 2024, I recognise now the hardships overcome in the first half, and the realisation of dreams in the second half of the year. Whereas the latter undoubtedly also comes with this small nagging voice at the back of the head, awaiting for something to go wrong since now everything seems to work out so smoothly – too smoothly. However, I am trying to comfort myself and chase this voice away by acknowledging the hardships experienced in the past decade, that maybe, finally, pay off and that now it is the time for things to go right. 2024, or more the reflection thereof, taught me the importance of living in the present. I upset myself so much in the first months about the uncertainties, afraid of a bigger relapse in a not completely overcome anxiety, when taken out of my comfortable space I worked so hard for. The support of my partner, my family and friends, in this big transition and new chapter in life, has been and is unmeasurable. And I am so grateful for that. My intention for 2025, and in fact all years to come after that, is to try (hard) to live in the present – to take in current surroundings and situations, avoiding to plan ahead or thinking of next steps. An intention that crystallised when on a long weekend full of yin yoga and silence in Norway last November. Sayings like “carpe diem” or “going with the flow” are generally used so haphazardly and carelessly, whereas in fact they do capture the essence of what is important in life. Moreover, patience pays off. Patience is certainly no strength of mine, but I realise now, how all my previous experiences, including the hardships, combined with the uncompromising desire to move to Sweden, made this dream eventually come true.

Now you may ask, “so was it the right decision to move to Sweden”? The unsatisfying answer is: I don’t know. Will I eventually find new friends in Stockholm? I don’t know. Will we settle in well and thrive in Sweden, both of us? I don’t know. Will we stay in Sweden or move countries again in the next years? I don’t know. I am trying to sit in the discomfort of not knowing – acknowledging that just now, everything is well.

In this sense, happy new year.

*Monkey mind: Buddhist concept that describes a state of restlessness, capriciousness, and lack of control in one's thoughts which is clamouring one’s attention.